Saga of a DVD Case

I look forward to Tuesdays very much like Adam Sandler looked forward to nudie magazine day in his fan favorite "Billy Madison." The thrill of heading into the local mass electronics chain and scanning rows upon rows of newly released digital goodness is too hard to resist. It's after the adrenalin has stopped pumping, the new releases are in the bag, and my 36 inches of wasted reciept are in the bag that everything seems to go down hill. Round 1: Their first line of defense is the shrinkwrap. Eager to check out the innards of my lateast purchase, my first instinct once inside the car is to rip them discs right open. No so. Not even my keys can tear through this space age material. I slice, I slice, but eventually, I must give up hope since I'm ruining the case and bring in my second troop: The teeth. Thanks to a rather forgettable incident in high school, one of my front teeth is made entirely of plastic. That little bad boy has served me well over the years especially since it's now chipped and sharp as a razor. After countless minutes of knawing (and strange looks from the ever growing populace outside my vehicle), I finally make a small hole in it's ozone layer. It's not big, but I can finally slide my finger in there and tear it off. Round 1: Me. Round 2: Now we move on to the "security stickers." These inept pieces of sticky goo are hardly the detterent to any shoplifter. Come on, everyone knows that in order to take a stack of DVD's, you stuff them into your oversized parka on a 90 degree day and make a mad dash for the door. Workng retail, I know how this works. Besides, even a stupid shoplifter knows that tearing these stickers off in time to make an escape is impossible. Now past the shrinkwrap, my tooth begins round 2. He's got nothing on these stickers. Again, the weakers keys make their presence felt, but the stickers continue fighting back. It's time for my secret weapon: The thumb nail. Having not chewed it off for 2 whole weeks, he's stronger than ever. I dig into it's starting point and finally make some progress. After 25 minutes of a struggle that is comparable to putting on jeans 2 sizes too small, I breath a sigh of relief. I'm home free.....almost. Round 3: This is their sneak attack. Completely unprepared, I begin to pull apart the plastic. What? It....won't.....oooopen! What the hell is this? A 3rd line of defense? I pull and pull some more....I even try pushing the sides together. It's hopeless. Wait a minute...I spy some strange looking tabs on the side of case. They say "open." Why, that's exactly what I'm trying to do!" It seems these must be related to the problem in some way. I push on these, much like the arrow seems to indicate, but all is lost. These is no hope. I will never be able to appreciate the finer points of "The Rundown." But, not being the quitting type, I feel that I must go on. After 15 minutes of researching and planning a proper plan of attack, I dig my thumbnail into the sides of these (cutting myself in the process) "open tabs" and I'm finally there.....The bright sun bursts off the surface of the disc, practically blinding me. As any human would, I drop the disc to avoid further damage to my cornea. Freed from it's plastic bindings, it lays in a large puddle which has formed on my cars floor from a recent torrential downpour in which my window was left cracked. The battle was over. Me, blinded and bloody, can only stare at the blur as it begins to take on water. I don't care. I had won. I may be out $20, but damn it, I beat the DVD company. I got to their disc and no matter how many curves they tossed my way, I overcame them. Universal, I demand a surrender. You are the only company stupid enough to include these "tabs" and probably consider them useful in some way. Well, I can now see your waving the white flag as I dance in the parking lot around my prey. I won you bastards.....I won.

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