Sci-Fi Channel Original Centipede! Review

It's kind of hard to imagine a creature that hasn't been mutated in some way in order to crawl across our movie screens. The lowly centipede is one of the select few to get a pass. The closest we've ever come is in the Japanese classic "Rodan," but those were called Meganura and you're never really sure what they are. The Sci-Fi channel has come to the rescue with their latest presentation, "Centipede!" That exclamation point was entirely their idea.

Jake (Trevor Murphy) is soon to be married. One of his friends has a rather unique idea for a bachelor party: Head to India to explore a cave called Shankali, a place so dangerous, anyone who has entered has never returned. Along with a small group of long time friends (including Jake's bride to be), the party descends father than anyone ever has previous, only to find that something else has already taken up a residence.

Most writers generally have a thesaurus next to them to lend themselves a hand when necessary. No matter the size of that book, there are not enough words contained inside to describe this atrocity. This is easily, almost without question, the worst of the recent string of creature features from this cable channel.

Credit is due for not taking the cheap route and going with CGI, but these rubber puppets are some of the most abysmal creations to ever get screen time. Not a single joint out of the hundred or so appendages on the giant insects is animated in any way. They simply wiggle along like the star of the classic board game "Cooties." If their long bodies need to be bent to rise up at a victim, you'll surely be able to make out the string suspending them from the top of the set.

Oh, and those sets are just as bad. It's blatantly obvious that all of these are shot in a sound studio, using minimal light to mask the fact that each rock is made out of foam. Nearly the entire cast is first timers, and if any of them make it into a big budget film, it's a crime against humanity. The worst are the Iranian authorities, which not only lack any sort of talent, their seemingly forced accents make it impossible not to laugh.

The film's sole "highlight" occurs early on. During a small celebration for the upcoming wedding, one of the members turns on some grating techno and just begins dancing. Soon, most of the group joins in for 10-minutes of sheer agony for the viewer. No one says a word, it doesn't serve a purpose, and it's obviously tacked on. You can almost hear the producers saying "Hey, this movie is too short by about 10-minutes! Go shoot some of the actors having seizures for a bit!"

For the two of you wondering, the centipedes sudden growth spurt was caused by the age-old catalyst illegally dumped toxic waste. This of course leads to numerous questions and plot holes. If the centipedes mutated, what about all the other insects scurrying about on the caves floor? If no one has ever survived after visiting the cave as the legend says, how exactly did the waste get there?

This is the type of thing a group of drunken college kids put together over a three-day weekend. Come to think of it, they would probably do a better job in the end. It's the type of movie you watch, questioning your sanity most of the way through the 90-minute running time. Back in the late 1950's, directing or starring in a monster movie was considered to be a disastrous career move. Here in the new millennium, that advice is should be seriously considered.

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