Sci-Fi Channel Original Review: Chupacarbra: Dark Seas

"Chupacabra: Dark Seas" is the type or movie reviewers hate to review. No, it's not that the title is a pain to spell out. It's that no thesaurus has enough adjectives for the word "awful" in it to cover an entire review. This is more pitiful dredge from the Sci-Fi Channel, plain and simple, and there's hardly an explanation for its existence.

Doctor Pena (Giancarlo Esposito), a crypto zoologist specializing in the study of Chupacabras, has finally nailed a specimen. After capturing it and losing some men in the process, he only has one more step: Get it into the United States for study. Storing it on a cruise ship, two members of the loading crew open up the box containing the bloodthirsty beast, curious to see what's inside. What they have let loose is an almost indestructible creature that threatens everyone aboard.

Lets get it out of the way early. This movie is filled with blood. Buckets of it. In fact, they probably spent more on blood then they did on any of the actors. People get their faces ripped off, blood splatters onto walls repeatedly, and one pour soul lies on the cold metal floor with the other half of his body someplace else. You kind of have to wonder what exactly this creature eats since the majority of the necessary bodily fluid ends up as decoration.

Director John Shepphird has absolutely no experience in this genre, though that probably wouldn't have made a difference. The only recognizable face is long-time actor John Rhys-Davis who played Gimli in the "Lord of the Rings." Either his entire payoff from those films is gone or he had some favors to pay back. There's little reason for him to be here otherwise.

The rest of the cast is simply awful, putting in ludicrous performances on every level. David Millbern plays an onboard thief and he should never be allowed to act again, ever, anywhere, for the rest of time. The US Navy comes onboard a bit into the film, complete with painted bicycle helmets (seriously). Either every one of them failed basic training miserably, or they simply like to fire their guns at blank walls and with civilians in the line of fire.

Logic is at a bare minimum. Most obviously, if you were going out to capture a mythical creature and have chance, wouldn't you have a plan to get it back to the states? And why a cruise ship? How does he know so much about this creature if it technically doesn't exist?

Though Rhys-Davis' character is supposedly a bright heroic captain (told to the audience in a brief and totally illogical moment of character development), he makes really stupid decisions. Why take out everyone out of his or her safe cabins (where no one has been killed yet) to evacuate? Putting them all out as food is NOT going to win you any respect points.

The hungry beastie is a "Creature From the Black Lagoon" look-a-like, just with plenty of teeth. It's mostly a man in a suit, save for a few seconds of nasty and totally unnecessary CGI. It doesn't take long for a full reveal and the feast begins quickly. Actually, within the first few minutes the body count is already close to five. Don't think for a second that this makes the film worth watching however.

More logic lapses involve that monster. For most of the movie, the critter is blasted with a variety of ammunition, none of it penetrating its hide. Then, simply because the running time is coming to an end, they begin to affect him as he bleeds fluorescent green blood. One plot point that goes absolutely nowhere revolves around some fluid that could be injected into the creature to kill it. After scouring the ship and unlocking a safe to get at it, it's never mentioned again.

This is the type of review that could be finished with countless critic clichés. You can pick one:

It's 90-minutes of your life you'll never get back.
You wouldn't have the heart to let Hitler watch this movie.
It's a waste.
It should be banned in most countries for ineptitude.
It doesn't entertain in the least.
It's the type of trash that doesn't even deserve to go direct to TV.
Not even a 6-year old would be entertained.
Movies have hit a new low.
It's the kind of movie you recommend to an ex-girl/boyfriend after a bad break-up.
Every ones paycheck should be revoked.
It's an insult to your intelligence, even if you never passed the 3rd grade.
May everyone involved be banned from ever being included in another motion picture.
Family members would disown you if they knew you watched it.
Taking a bath composed entirely of salt after the top layer of your skin was burned off by a raging inferno would be less painful than watching this film.
Roger Ebert's thumb doesn't go low enough to effectively describe just how pathetic it is.
Advertisers should sue if they actually had to pay for airtime.
An average kids piggy bank contains more cash than it took to make this atrocity.
This is the type of thing the FCC should be paying attention to and that has nothing to do with program content.

Comments (3)

Do you actually watch these movies? I guess you do. I'm really sorry. There are certain movies that I just don't have to watch to know that they are going to be really awful. That was one of them.

And you don't even get paid to watch these movies to review them. Wow.

I would have to agree Dave. I do not know why Matt subjects himself to this kind of torture. Maybe he got bored playing his NES. he he. j/k.

It's quite simple really. I love creature features. That's it in easy to understand english. Some people enjoy Van Damme movies and they watch them without getting paid to. Think of the pain they go through.

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