CBS Premiere: Spring Break Shark Attack Review

Who said Sci-Fi is the only station on TV turning out B-movie schlock? Seems that CBS now wants a piece, starting with this week's feature, "Spring Break Shark Attack." The title is correct in that it features both spring break and sharks attacking people, but it fails miserably to combine both or come out with anything worthwhile.

Danielle (Shannon Lucio) escapes here restrictive father to head down to Florida with some friends. Spring break is in full effect where she meets up with two guys and her brother whom she hasn't seen for some time. He warns her that his college thesis study has shown that a new artificial reef has attracted an unusual amount of fish. In turn, sharks are heading in to feed, whether it is on the party-going kids or the fish.

Where can you possibly begin with something like this? You can break it down into stats for a good idea. Total amount of time camera is focused on barely covered female anatomy: 87 minutes. Total time spent on sharks: 3 minutes. This one is obviously geared for a rather obvious demographic, but the buff guys walking around wearing the same amount of clothing seems to deter that theory.

The plot doesn't really spend much time on the sharks either. There's a brief build-up after a quick on screen death (no one questions as to why these people are missing at any point) and then it's right into cheap college spring break movie #1,065. Evil guy gives young girl drugs, good guy saves her from evil guy, and girl saves guys from attacking sharks. That pretty much sums this one up in a nutshell.

Considering the amount of time spent on the sharks, the least they could do is actually show them. There's one eerie (if derivative) shot of a shark circling right under a boat that's done well. For the most part, it's mostly cheap looking fins breaking the surface of the water. A few brief (if you can even call it that) moments of so-so CGI rounds things off.

Maybe if there was a surprise or two hidden in here it would be worth checking out, but there isn't. It follows a textbook example on how to make either style of movie. You can see every plot twist (is it really a twist if it's obvious?) coming within fifteen minutes. It rounds off with a finish that explains nothing, has no closure, and leaves you wondering why exactly you wasted this much time of your life watching this when you could have put in "Jaws 3" for more entertainment. Yes, "Jaws 3" is better. Does that make things a little clearer for you?

Acting is fair from the few leads; it's the rest of the cast that is hysterically funny. Unknown Wayne Thronley plays Danielle's brother. He's stuck with some classic lines of dialogue, not a single one that can be taken seriously and he seems to know it. Director Paul Shapiro decides to quick zoom on people's faces for no apparent reason (right in the middle of a conversation a few times) and tries to add some "documentary" feel with the ever-so-overused shaky camera effect. Why? It's pointless.

This could be a start for CBS. Coming April 24th is the epic-looking (or not) "Locusts." The preview for the upcoming feature spends more time with its title creature than "Spring Break Shark Attack" did during its entire 90-minutes. This is a movie that tries to draw in two completely separate crowds and in the end, loses them both. This is a year where you'll be perfectly content to go in the water.

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